you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
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Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Shortcut
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“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
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How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
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*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
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