you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
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The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Imma just leave this here…………
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Breaking news:
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
You have been warned.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.