You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
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*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.