Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it

Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet

-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.

Teacher: welcome to health class

Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?

Teacher: sir please just mop the floor

I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.

I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.

Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter

Theist: I can believe it

Agnostic: Just eat the toast

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?

Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home

My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.

*reads recipe and sees “raisins”

Well, that’s not going to happen.

Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.

Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.

I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.

A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…

If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name

ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?

HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops

“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”

Me on my first day as a mortician

Interviewer: Describe your current position.

Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.

me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?

5:

me:

5: we say thank you

me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”

My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.

I found your tweet-up…

I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.

Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.

This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋

My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.

Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.

pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”

breakfast, the most important beer of the day

GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo

*family screams*

SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people