Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.

older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah

“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.

I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.

I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.

I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.

ME: we should do this agai-

DATE: im busy that day

“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds

Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.

I won every single event.

Every. Single. Event.

There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.

My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep

Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind

6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?

On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?

*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.

Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.

It means I’m a parent.

My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.

I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.

I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.

Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…

“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”

Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.

I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference

MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]

ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this

Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.

Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins

*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*

Kid: But that means-

*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*

My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.

Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?

I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.