Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage

I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.

Every work meeting this week

Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself

Never again would she do what Simon said

Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.

Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.

I promise to sing for you.

Then you can decide what’s worse.

While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.

Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.

I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!

at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.

A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.

The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.

Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.

Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public

– young children

I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign

wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*

For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident

I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle

[tornado warning]

*locks children and dog safely in basement*

*perches in a tree with binoculars*

The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues

#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.

doctor: jogging will extend your life

me: thanks for the warning

Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.

The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.

Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?

The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.

I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days

BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks

ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake

BOSS: Getting easier