You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
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Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!