Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.

If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.

I have a video appointment with my doctor.

I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.

You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.

taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends

Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?

Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons

Ed:

Ed: fsh

Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?

kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween

dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work

kid: i didn’t-

dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch

Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.

I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!

The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.

You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.

Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.

Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up

Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m

If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.

Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.

I’m totally failing parenting

[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle

I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.

My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.

But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.

Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?

Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.

Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.

When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.

Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster

Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink

There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.