You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
You Might Also Like
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
#dalle2
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.
I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Jupiter
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.