You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
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This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century
stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass
Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it
Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Why font matters.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Beware of fowl play.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
everyone has that one prude friend
Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?
Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.
trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Math at Halloween.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
