You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
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I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
do what now??
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
the red hot silly peppers