You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
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I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
FINE, I WON’T.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.