You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
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Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.