You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
You Might Also Like
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope