My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
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My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
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Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot