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The hardest thing about my juice cleanse is trying to juice Kit Kats & Doritos.


What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?


Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.


There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.


I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.


Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.


[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*


I like how some beatles songs sound like they’re written for children and other times they sing about heroin.


You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.