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To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.


Go ahead and knock food that contains GMOs in the meantime this hotdog just started my car.


wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year

remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair


Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”

Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”

Cop: …


I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.


If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.


Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.

She’s really good at that.


BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?

CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard

OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7

CEO: first of all, promoted


My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.