you’re damn right i have
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If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.