you’re damn right i have
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I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns