you’re damn right i have
You Might Also Like
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Obituaries should have clickbait titles
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”