you’re damn right i have
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I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
ok this is my dumbest yet
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.