“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
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Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
*mops up wine with cat*
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
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ʸ
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When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.