“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
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“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
💻🤡
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Selfie
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
