Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.

Santa: yes.

Me: put them together?

Santa: yep.

Me: wrap them up?

Santa: that’s right.

Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?

Santa:

Me:

Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.

I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.

judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing

[God creating armadillos]

Shove that mouse into a seashell

This dude got his own movie?

When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts

School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever

Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.

[principal’s office]

“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”

Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.

I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.

I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.

My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.

Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.

My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?

Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists

Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…

Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!

Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.

Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.

Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh

I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.

gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*

what day is it?

An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces

Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.

“Are you religious?”

Bro I don’t even believe in myself

I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.

harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl

Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?

How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.