You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.
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This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
I wonder if should download that Rednote app instead of tik tok and blow the Chinese’s minds about what an air fryer can handle
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot