You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.
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Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.