Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego

…and send

I. FORGOT.

I. FORGOT.

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.

Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now

Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans

me, too, girl. me, too.

A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.

The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.

Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today

[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5

Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic

When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK

Seriously, soup?

If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.

13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go

*Meanwhile at a restaurant*

Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?

Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.

*Picks table and walks out*

My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.

Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?

Wife: he gives me no privacy

Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true

My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.

*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it

Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them

My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.

Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.

This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!

Whoops

There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣

My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring

Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people