Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At check-out] *gets out credit card*

Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?

Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.

The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?

ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.

[Zoo, bird show]

“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”

*bird headbutts window 50 times*

Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.

I saw your link on Facebook.

What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.

I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…

to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone

Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.

1% battery…..

Because I like to live on the

Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.

Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.

“I hope to find you well.”

I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.

Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.

*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?

Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot

Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s

When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:

‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’

Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying

And I can cry without chopping an onion

Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.

“What’s funny?”

The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.

“Why’s that funny?”

Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.

“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”

[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]

If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.

This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much

It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day

Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold

If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks