Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.

I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it

A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER

When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”

Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: heavy-handed product placement

professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good

“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.

I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*

Overheard:

5yo : you think I’m ugly

6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no

Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.

Her: Not at all!

Me: Great!

*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*

Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.

This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.

i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf

Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.

That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself

I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.

Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now

[interview]

Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?

As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon

I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot

funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™

I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.

Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.

May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*

[applies for name change]

June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*

[leaves the country]

My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick

Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.

A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.