You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
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Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body