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*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Cool shirt 🙂
When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.