Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.

“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”

I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.

“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”

me: does anyone here play baseball

england: *crickets*

My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser

you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.

Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.

I have to consciously stop myself from ending all my work calls with “love you bye”

When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.

Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit

thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres

i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved

Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless

I can’t believe how different life was before

*googles*

Al Gore invented the Internet

I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too

*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.

*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.

elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]

Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.

Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.

I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.

Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.

We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around

[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]

Me: When the edibles kick in

Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif

Me: Exactly

“Mmmm Brians”

– a dyslexic or gay zombie

[sheriff’s office]

me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition

deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records

me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now

I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.

But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.

[NASA job interview]

Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!

Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.

Interviewer: Get out.

I love you, let me stand on your larynx.

– cats

Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.