Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: make me irresistible to women

genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha

me: *raises hind leg over lamp*

genie: wait no stop

Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies

The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today

PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET

My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me

My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.

I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.

Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:

1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”

ME: Dave’s coming over for tea

WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?

DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas

My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.

I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”

That’s it. I’m done with people.

me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?

I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.

If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.

Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes

Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?

“What? Why?”

It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..

“It’s OUR wedding!”

I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.

Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom

Schrödinger’s Dumpster

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I don’t know when to quit.

Interviewer: You’re hired!

Me: I quit.

My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.

DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?

COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?

ME: She’s my wife

MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]

I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.

According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.

Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– Poetry

Things that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.

ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…