“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
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Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Windows
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
bro, you’re fine. you just need an impossible sequence of events to play out in perfect order against all odds and you’ll be fine
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.
therapist: no.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds