“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
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Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.