“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
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I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.