You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
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WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
every. time.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Twitter is an abusement park.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.