You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
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Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
channeling her this year
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn