You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
You Might Also Like
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
i think both sides are to blame here
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”
I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes