Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

Me: Who ate all the cookies?

5-year-old: Ninjas.

Me: I didn’t see them.

5-year-old: No one ever does.

Checkmate.

Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.

Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.

You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.

mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green

Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!

I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.

friend: how did the neck surgery go?

me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.

gender is a sprctrum

Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)

Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.

Their girlfriends however… not so much.

I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.

[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”

“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”

I never needed anything more in my life

Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum

At Toys R Us:

TRU: Yessir?

Me: I want a light saber.

TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?

Me: 40ish

Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.

Dear axe body spray,

Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.

Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.

My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.

One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇

Wife: Your problem is your incompetence

Me: I can hold my pee just fine

What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!

Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.

I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts

If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him

As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.

He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.

I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.

Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.

BFF: Why you lying?