Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.

Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.

Wife: How was work?

Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into

W: I despise you

I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time

SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive

Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?

SEGA:

Nintendo:

SEGA: well that would have made sense

Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷‍♂️😆🤷‍♂️😆

How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?

Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.

I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.

My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.

Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….

Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.

This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.

is it earth

panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.

“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”

Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever

Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.

Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.

My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.

[NASCAR Press Conference]

REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?

DRIVER: Fast circles

I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.

Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.

me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train

conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK

Please. My wife. She’s very sick.

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.

She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.

I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!

“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.