You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
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I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
*watches the world burn*
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Follow me for more life hacks.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Revenge served cold
Oops
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.