You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
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My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
LMAO