you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me
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Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
going to the ER y’all need anything
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”