you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me
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I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.