Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quotes to calm an angry woman:

1. Stress makes you fat.

2. My ex never acted like that.

3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.

Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter

To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.

In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too

I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane

Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?

I may be small, but so is a grenade.

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”

Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…

SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*

NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!

SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there

Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.

Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?

Dr: I hate this job.

Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.

I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don’t know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.

Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.

Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?

Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun

Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.

Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.

Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.

Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location

Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.

This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.

I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment

“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”

If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.

ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery

[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely

I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma

I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence

My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.

Customer: do you sell {item}?

Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in

Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*