you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me
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ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.