you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me
You Might Also Like
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I’ve been single for so long I can’t even spell relionchip now
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
This kid is a star!
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.