Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Job interview]

employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!

me: I hope that’s ok-

emp: when can he start?

me: WHAT?!

cat: meow

emp: great!

me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!

Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is

My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.

Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips

My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating

Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.

My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.

Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.

My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.

Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.

the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…

her: and what do you do?

me: I’m a mail escort

postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!

We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.

Let’s see if he notices.

I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.

I want hashbrown pills.

~the guy who invented Tater tots

This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.

Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*

Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.

For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”

Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.

Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes

[Losing my virginity]

Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?

I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions

[Emergency Room]

MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?

DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy

Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.

technically true but not a great slogan

I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.