Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham

Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?

Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”

[Leaving bar]

GF: You okay to drive?

Me: I’m fine.

GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?

M: 2 guys, tops.

GF:

M:

GF:

M: What?

This meal prepping shit easy

My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.

I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.

A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.

[Christmas]

ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?

HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?

ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.

They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.

Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.

If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.

heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.

“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.

bears

It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.

[filing for legal name change]

Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?

Me: I was owned pretty badly on line

Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs

Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.

Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.

Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby

Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up

Her: *throws up*

Him: *throws up in her hair*

Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME

4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.

Me: Who is it?

4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.

Me: Son of a ….

I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.