Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.

My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.

Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary

*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*

Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.

Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.

Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on

DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????

Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.

People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.

*In the back of an ambulance

Me: Change the radio station

Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy

Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song

me: I stand corrected

chiropractor: you’re welcome

Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together

Waiter: would you like a lobster bib

Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song

The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.

I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”

(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun

Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.

What are a comedian’s pronouns?

He/he/he

My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!

Me: Impressive feet!

A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.

Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay

Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?

“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich

“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”

You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !

People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’

Literally all I do as a librarian:

It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.

People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.

[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.