Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*

Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?

Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS

Interviewer:

Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?

‘Dances with Wolves’…

But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.

The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.

Now no one ever knocks on my door.

I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.

If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.

The legends were true

My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude

Genie: You have 3 wishes—

Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!

*45 minutes later*

Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?

Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?

LEGAL TIP

Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”

This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍

Um … Hot Wings please

Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?

my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it

*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?

An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”

Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.

My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on

Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.

To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.

my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist

My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album

Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…

I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.

Well, that should do it

Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.

One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage

I have many caverns

!!!!!!!!!!!

When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question

I know this now

My therapist: And how are you doing this week?

Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?