Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.

Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.

Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.

*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE

Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion

Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer

*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.

One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.

me: will i go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?

My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.

Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.

I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.

I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her

Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?

4: I taked it out of the trash can.

Me: *eye twitches*

omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.

Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”

– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car

[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger

Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.

cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way

me: which would you prefer

cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you

The legends speak of a third Duran…

I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”

[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?

If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.

*winks with both eyes*

Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?

I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.

This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation

Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?

don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.