All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
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This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
This is my bus stop.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*