Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING

Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.

Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching

This took me a few seconds.. 😅

There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.

I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.

Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: one more

me: *click*

ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!

“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.

“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.

I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.

they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote

People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.

Her: What brings you to speed dating?

Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.

My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.

REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.

*Getting pulled over*

Me: I knew we should have Uber’d

My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool

sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud

Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd

Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.

All of your holes are looking great

– Croctologists

The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.

My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.

Winning a game of chess: I am a being of pure logic… pure rationale… I should try out for Mensa… I should call the pentagon and see if they need my services…

Losing a game of chess: This game is essentially a toy. Oooo I moved my horsey. The one with the pointy hat goes eoou

As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.

Me: that’s BS

6: boring stuff?

Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes

1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*

I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.

Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.

At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground

Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll steal their horse and turn it into glue.