You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
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Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Trumpy Cat
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what