You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
You Might Also Like
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.