Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me at a restaurant

waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you

[at sperm bank]

“Do you have anything on clearance?”

flash mobs for serving divorce papers

Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.

Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”

Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.

“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”

“That’s a smart car.”

*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after

*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*

Cashier: “Are you moving?”

Me: “No, why?”

I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-

ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]

Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period

5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?

Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Mom?

“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.

I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.

I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.

coworker: a little bird told me—

me: —where

coworker: uh

me: i want to talk to the little bird

i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit

REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying*

*By a massive crocodile

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me

Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally

Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats

If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me

I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.

Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.

“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”

Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣

Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.

“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.

Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.