“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
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I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
I have so many questions.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
The French word for sex is croissant.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Friend: any plans for the fall?
Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it
Confused owl: What?!
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.