“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
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Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.