Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me when I see someone that knows me in public..

ME: where’s Jim

GUY: your guess is as good as mi—

ME: the moon

GUY: ok no

While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.

*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*

me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did

guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?

Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason

How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?

~ all countries

I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”

As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day

My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.

We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.

CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird

Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….

Not as easy as it looks is it?

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You’re not an “empath”.

You have “chronic heartburn”.

I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.

I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.

McKay Coppins:

My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.

On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”

You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..

[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid

My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.

Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.

Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.

Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder

Hobbes: getting a second opinion?

Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it

Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc

Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.

She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.

“Good luck tomorrow.”

* Me confusing a random stranger *