Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate

COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly

ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here

ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.

Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.

I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on

“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows

When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you

Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.

Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.

Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣

how do y’all walk in shallow water

My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag

My left hand: imma pet this doggie

Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.

just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭

In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

Death certificates are our last participation award.

I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up

My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.

Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.

I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints

Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.

[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body

i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis

Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem

Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.

Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.

My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?

Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!

Where have you been all my life?

Can you go back there?

If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand

Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!

Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?

Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.