You’re goddamn right I’m touching the plate immediately after you warn me it’s hot
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Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it