Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.

Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?

I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good

Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget

Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.

Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar

A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend

I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.

I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷‍♀️

This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too

Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?

Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit

We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.

I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.

I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.

I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”

I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.

14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘

14: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”

-Mormon kids

Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.

Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”

Me: merging onto the highway

Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?

I AM the Illuminati.

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.

professor x: what’s your super power

owl: terrible memory

professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?

owl: who

*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*

I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.

The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.

I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress

My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.