Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*

*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-

Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM

If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk

My daughter b like “if u need something, call me” ???? You’re 3 sister girl 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?

There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.

For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.

Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end

Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.

One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.

Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.

❤️

Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.

[job interview]

Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?

Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.

If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.

The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.

You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’

Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese

Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.

I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.

Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist

It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.

A marinara trench sounds nice tbh

“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs

I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.

so no one told you life was gonna be this way

A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili

If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college

“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”

Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.