“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
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My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
i don’t think he’s the guy. the shooter used a silencer and an italian would never attempt to be quiet in public
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
#CoronaOutbreak
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference