“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
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I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Great acting.. 😂
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan