“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
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*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.