Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can i borrow your truck?

Me: no problem just read the dashboard

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?

I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.

How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?

Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.

*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.

If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.

The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.

Definitely less than a hundred.

Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had

*does the robot*

*crowd goes wild*

*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*

Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”

X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.

Dear Religion,

Pics or it didn’t happen.

Love, Science

Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.

What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.

ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish

DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian

ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?

Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.

I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)

boss: you’re working very efficiently

me: oh thanks

boss: so I’m giving you more work

me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient

Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car

This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.

favorite tropes as memes

Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..

~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand

Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”

hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim

Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.

Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.

“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.