You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
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She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets