“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
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Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.