“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
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I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry