Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”

2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”

fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats

*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*

[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?

[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.

“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience

I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.

He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.

There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.

i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down

Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean

*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*

The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.

Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.

me: this haunted house is so scary

wife:

me: look at all the spooky witches

wife: we are in a house of mirrors

me: oh no they seem mad

me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean

brain: probably will be good in a minute

me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month

When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.

Ways to get me naked:

1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist

I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich

Thinking of having kids?

Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.

You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.

I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.

Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.

My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.

therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?

me: no no, i said arsonist

therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now

me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen

i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke

wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!

JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.

ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.

Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.