Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.

please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,

This guy must be getting annoyed by now

I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning

[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this

My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.

Me: Everything ok?

My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.

[Attorney’s office]

*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*

Guess I just made an ash out of myself.

Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?

Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping

Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over

[ the manger ]

me: so what’s his name

mary: jesus christ

me: hey watch your language around the baby

I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.

Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.

Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”

Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet

Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours

Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.

[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”

Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.

*puts my hair in a ponytail

IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.

[November 2030]

*at the ocean*

“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”

Kids: This fish has three heads

“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”

News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”

They have hover bears?

jealous again

If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.

Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm

Tony the Tiger: great

HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD

My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”

If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer

[having sex with centaur]

ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*

space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.